


Sodachi Blossoming

by Featherine_Aurora



Series: Lesbian Protagonist Stories [1]
Category: Bakemonogatari
Genre: Angst, Depression, Developing Relationship, F/F, Female Friendship, Female Protagonist, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Lesbian Character, Male-Female Friendship, Mental Health Issues, POV Lesbian Character, Personal Growth, Romance, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Yuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2019-10-28 07:12:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17782919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Featherine_Aurora/pseuds/Featherine_Aurora
Summary: Sodachi Oikura is struggling though University. Despite vowing to grow past her bitter past, she still struggles against her own mind and the hurdles of change that seem so high. But, perhaps with the aid of another, she might yet find her own happiness.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's been ages since I've written anything. I've also never written for this series, ever. I hope this will be worth reading. I hope to write more, but that will depend on time and the sort of feedback I receive. If things need correcting, there's a point in which you can require so many corrections to basically require a rewrite. At that point, there's no point in carrying on. Well, I hope it's not that bad. I do hope any who are reading this will enjoy what I hope will be the start for a story I wish to go much further with.

Sodachi Oikura had honestly never expected to have any sort of romantic partner. She knew her own personality well. She knew she was hardly endearing to others, even after her reunion with Araragi towards the end of high school and the discovery of what had really happened to her mother. It did ease things for her a bit. The removal of the strain of her perceived responsibility for her mothers death did help. Just a bit though. It allowed her to try to live without that sort of guilt hanging over her head. But she would always admit to herself to having a prickly and prideful personality. She knew she was never going to be sweeping anyone off their feet with her charms. If anything, her efforts at winning people over or getting them to do what she had wanted in the past had never gone well. That embarrassing mess with Araragi and her maths lessons was still a sore spot. To have failed in such an absurd way….

University had started much as she feared. Of course Araragi and Senjougahara had chosen the same one as her. She had little interest in doing much more than living day to day, except in one respect that vastly increased the odds that they would be together in University. Oikura still prided herself on her mathematical talent. Regardless of what happened, she would never let go of that. She kept on top of her studies in that area even when she withdrew to her home. She then threw herself into that with vigour after she last saw Araragi and decided to move on with her life and literally moved away from Araragi and her old high school. Even if she failed to make any friends in her new high school, she at least had good grades. After that, Oikura was drawn to pursuing further education in the field, even if she still had no real ambition or dream. There was always mathematics.

How did this effect the odds that she would encounter Araragi and Senjougahara when she went to University? Well, Oikura had her pride, especially in regards to mathematics. She naturally sought the best she could get. At the same time, Senjougahara was and is a very driven person and pushed her boyfriend to do the same. When looking at higher education, Senjougahara also sought the best she could get and pushed Araragi to do the same. It was admirable, though she would never tell Senjougahara that. It was also frustrating. Now those two were a part of her life again in a very unavoidable way. Well, in theory, she could try stabbing Araragi with a pencil again. But she was trying to grow beyond her high school self. Also, stabbing people with pencils was hardly something to turn into a habit, as tempting as it was in regards to certain individuals.

Araragi was surprisingly tolerable, even with his aggressive and entirely unwanted form of friendliness. In spite of a total lack of desire to have any sort of connection with him, she ended up with him in her very small circle of acquaintances. She still at her core felt a burning animosity towards him, one that flared up on seeing him, upon hearing his voice or even his name. Yet she lacked it in her to reject or ignore him. It was easier to go along with him when he invited her to a study session or to have lunch with him. In fact, she found herself hanging around with him willingly and finding value in his presence even as she simultaneously cursed his inability to leave her alone and just disappear. It was a very unhealthy relationship, but that was to be expected. Oikura was of the opinion that she would never have a healthy attitude in regards to Araragi, but at least it was at a point where she could accept the helping hand offered by him, even if grudgingly. As for Senjougahara, there was mutual politeness. Neither side was inclined to hold onto their encounter at high school as a source of bitterness. For Oikura, the whole affair was just painfully embarrassing. For Senjougahara, it was a resolved matter. At the same time, the two only ever spent time together because they were with Araragi. To be precise, Senjougahara would be accompanying her boyfriend and thus around when Oikura saw him. Apart from that, their interactions were simply at the level required to be considered polite. There was nothing beyond that and neither Oikura or Senjougahara were inclined to do more. Araragi seemed to want the two to get along better, in part out of pity most likely. Maybe he was hoping that he could get Oikura a friend. At a minimum, it would be easier for him if the two were less distant. But neither of the two women were inclined to be helpful.

So university was broadly what she expected. Araragi still hung over her like a shadow, as did her past. The few connections she had beyond him were limited and that one connection was far from ideal. She did keep to her studies, but her life beyond that was hardly in a good state. She did the basics to keep on going, with Araragi jumping in and pestering her at times, such as when she was not eating properly or had not gone out for anything but classes in a while. This at least meant she did not become an asocial shut-in. Well, she could still be called that by the standards of a lot of people. But she had not given up. At least she could hold onto that, even if at times she wondered why that even mattered. She did have her pride and her anger at the idea that she was something to be pitied by others, others such as Araragi. She knew he used that at times to spur her into action, provoking her into proving herself better than him. Annoyingly, it worked most of the time. Though there were rare times where even that could not force her from the grip of her depression.

Then something rather unexpected happened. Oikura went to meet Araragi at a cafe after her classes and he was not there. No, that was not the rather unexpected thing. Though it was odd. She checked her phone in case she had any messages. There were none. She would have thought Araragi would at least leave her one if he did something like this. Even he would not skip on a meeting in such a way with someone he claimed to be a friend. But no, he had. She turned to face the person who was there instead, standing outside and clearly there to meet her. That person looked at her in confusion, obviously reacting to the perplexed expression on Oikura’s own face. “Perhaps you’ve forgotten me? We only met a few times while you were still at high school, so that’s understandable. I’m Tsubasa Hanekawa. Sorry, but Araragi couldn’t make it to this meeting and his phone is not working. So, I came instead”.

“Really?” Oikura said with a frown. “What a remarkable coincidence that his phone should stop working at the same time you happen to have returned for a bit from your travels. At the same time he was going to see me too? I’m sure his phone will start working normally tomorrow, quite coincidentally”. She then forced a smile, which hopefully seemed friendly. Oikura knew her own smiles often turned into unpleasant smirks. No, she wanted a pleasant smile. “I do remember you, Hanekawa. It’s nice to see you again”.

“Do you think so? How fortunate”. Hanekawa did not react even slightly to what Oikura was clearly implying. Her face bore a simple unassuming smile. “I’m sure Araragi will be glad if that’s the case. Though that would be quite the set of coincidences. Life can be so strange at times. It really is remarkable. Well, I’m glad you remember me, Oikura. I’m glad that we were able to meet again. It’s been so long”. How like her to respond in such a way. As Oikura remembered, Hanekawa had her own form of aggressive friendliness. Which she then further demonstrated by pointing at a table outside that had an excess of food on it, clearly more than she would want to eat on her own. “I seem to have ordered a bit too much. Would you like to have some of it?”

It was a simple ploy. Oikura would likely have refused an offer of a meal. But it would be harder to refuse food that had already been ordered, paid for and which would go to waste. It also happened to be food she liked. Most likely, she had asked Araragi and Senjougahara about that. From what Oikura had heard, Hanekawa's own pallet tended to be rather plain. Well, if she had gone to this much trouble…

“I would, thank you”. Upon giving her answer, Oikura sat at Hanekawa's table and Hanekawa did the same. After splitting the meal, they both dug in. Hanekawa had apparently been in central America before she had returned to Japan. Apparently, she’d been looking at some Aztec ruins. “So you were hoping to become a vampire, Hanekawa?”

“No”

That was odd. Oikura had been making a cheap joke, but that response was made in a tone that was oddly serious. This was followed by “How have you been doing, Oikura? I hope university life has treated you well?”

Oikura expected these questions. She knew that someone like Hanekawa would get the true answers to those even if she lied. Still, it was not something she had much of an interest in talking about. So she gave the information as though she was delivering a report. She detached herself emotionally from what she said as well as she could. It was still a bit painful, though she was able to tell Hanekawa everything. Remarkably, she did not seem to have that irritating look of ever increasing pity that seemed to enter people’s eyes when they heard more about Oikura. It was even worse with Araragi, who combined that with guilt. She was doing her best to move on from that, but that guilt she saw on his face made her feel pitiful. It was like she was being used as a tool to help Araragi clear his conscience. That feeling was also irritating. She had gotten better at handling those feelings. But they were still there.

Instead, Hanekawa had a thoughtful expression, gesturing and nodding when needed to show she was listening and to encourage Oikura to continue. There was something warm and accepting about the way Hanekawa listened to her. Oikura had only started talking because she felt there was no point in avoiding this, avoiding describing how her depression was affecting her. She had started talking out of obligation. But Hanekawa was a good listener. It didn’t feel like she was looking down on Oikura with pity at how pathetic or downtrodden by fate she seemed. It was a simple thing, but it was so refreshing.

After this proceeded for a while, in which the food they had was consumed, Oikura stopped. Hanekawa smiled. “That was very informative. Thank you. I’m glad you’ve been doing well with your classes, though you should probably eat a bit better”.

Oikura grinned. This was more enjoyable so far than most of her conversations were these days. Admittedly, that was due in large part to her own social skills, or lack of them. Still, this was good. She also respected Hanekawa’s intellect enough to value the praise given. “Well, you seem to be working on that already”. With a confused tone that would be very believable if not for the person speaking, Hanekawa replied “I happened to order too much food. That it resulted in you getting a meal is just a coincidence”.

“Right. I wonder how many more similar coincidences will happen while you’re around”

“Hmm, probably quite a few. Anyway, I do hope I’ll be seeing more of you while I’m back. I do like you quite a bit, Oikura”. She then looked at her phone. “I need to get going. I should check up on Araragi. We have a lot to talk about. I’ll see you soon”. Hanekawa then departed, leaving Oikura to her thoughts. Hanekawa was very different to what she had become used to. She was not sure how to take this development. It had felt good, that meeting with Hanekawa. But Oikura was too much of a cynic to not suspect that this would prove illusory. That was so often the case in her life. Why would it be different now?


	2. Chapter 2

Well, that was odd. Sodachi had not experienced something like that in a while. Even that instance, the time that Araragi had entered her old apartment as her hated enemy and ended that encounter by declaring that there was happiness in this world even for her in such a way that even she could believe him, was not quite the same.

_Huh, to imagine I could look back at something involving him with fondness. The world is just absurd. Or perhaps I've lost my mind. That would explain a lot. Well, presuming for now that I still have enough of my mind to process the world somewhat effectively, how to explain what that was?_

Araragi had simply asked Hanekawa for a favor. He knew Oikura was lonely and decided to get his close friend to help him resolve this. By doing that, Araragi would do another thing to make up for the past and thus feel better about himself. Hanekawa for her part was simply doing her part as Araragi’s good friend, just as Senjougahara likely would be a lot more unpleasant if not for her desire to be solidly supportive as Araragi’s girlfriend. Yes, that seemed to be the most reasonable explanation. The pleasantness of her meeting with Hanekawa was because she was simply capable of dealing with difficult people. She was the same way when they had met at her old apartment, right?

Yes, that answered everything. Sodachi nodded to herself as she sat down.

Due to her temperament, she was very unlikely to get along with any fellow student in a dormitory. Her current residence was something Araragi and Senjougahara had helped her obtain when they had realized her difficulties in regards to housing. It was Senjougahara who had handled the practical issues involved, along with grudging cooperation from Oikura, cooperation that had been gained and secured by Araragi. He had a knack for that. She was hardly inclined to let other help her and even less inclined to want that help to come from him. Yet she would always end up going along with his efforts. He would be quite persistent and it just seemed like less of a bother to agree. Admittedly, she would be worse off if not for this help, though it always stung a bit to admit that.

It was due to that persistence that her current residence was not as barren as her old one had been. She had not been remotely inclined to bother with more than the most basic items. She did not care about making that sort of effort in regards to her life. Why bother? She was hardly going to invite anyone there. If she did have a visitor, then she had no intention of greeting someone inclined to pester her with more than a bare desolate apartment. Besides, it was hardly like someone like her really needed more than that. But Araragi was inclined to pester her or make jokes in regards to how bare things were or how she lacked this or that. So she did her best to shut him up. Her home would be good enough that there would be nothing for him to bother her in his pitying way. She even at times aimed to to make her home good enough that she could turn to Araragi one day and see the look on his face at what she had managed to achieve. Admittedly, her home was still bare by most standards. But she could manage to make her home decent enough if she wanted on her own.

_Really, how pitiful do you think I am, Araragi?_

Well, she did have to admit that his bothersome pity had at least resulted in her getting decent chairs. Oikura was glad for that as she sat there, thinking. Initially, she distracted herself with minor and silly thoughts, such as regarding Hanekawa’s oddly serious reaction to her joking about vampires. Maybe she just dislikes horror related topics? No, that does not feel correct. Still, perhaps I should avoid that sort of talk in the future, just to be safe. It was a simple tactic to avoid her mind spiraling with unhealthy or undesirable thoughts. Oikura honestly thought at times that they were accurate thoughts, if unpleasant. Well, again, it was better to do what was advised. At a minimum, Araragi would probably notice and pester her. Though in this case, these were probably thoughts he would want her to reflect on. She strongly disagreed, to put her clash of opinions with the hypothetical opinion of hypothetical Araragi in mild terms. She really did not know what to make of these thoughts at all.

_I have a perfectly good explanation for what happened today. It answers everything cleanly. Yet I want to reject it? No, it would be more accurate to say I have a burning desire to reject it. Such an explanation would be a rejection of an idea that is oddly pleasant. That Hanekawa had sincerely been glad to see me. That she did sincerely want to see more of me. That perhaps she had come here in part out of a desire to get reacquainted with me. But… How ridiculous. That’s just pure egotism. I just want to believe another would think of me in such a way, to have another see me as worth traveling across the world to see. But I know better than anyone how improbable that is. Even I wouldn't like a person like me. In fact, I don’t. I really don’t._

So much for avoiding this through self-direction to lighter matters. This time, it was a total failure. It was time to try something else. Maybe TV? That could work if something either sufficiently distracting or sufficiently mind numbing was on. Maybe that could help with that one thought that caused those other ridiculous, pathetically laughably thoughts to flow. It was not even a conscious thought really, more a subconscious desire that could be expressed as such. I want to be liked by Tsubasa Hanekawa, to be her friend. But Oikura, instead of moving any close to acknowledging that, had deftly avoided both it and her own self-hatred via her channel surfing technique. Though she did intend to meet Hanekawa again. Doing otherwise would be more trouble than it was worth. Besides, she would not deny that the meeting with her was nice.

_Hmm, a documentary about penguins. I guess I’ll watch that._


	3. Chapter 3

For the next five days, Oikura continued her regular routine. Going to classes and going home to further study, to eat and to sleep. On the second day, she had an idle walk. She had no place to go to, but it got her outside and active. Making sure she was outside of her home for something other than her classes every day was one thing Oikura could do to keep herself from falling into a hole of sloth and bitterness. She did not succeed at this every day, but it did help. At a minimum, it meant she usually had one or more thing to say in response when someone like Araragi asked her what she had been up to.

It’s didn't feel that helpful when she was doing that aimless walk. To Oikura, it felt like a ridiculous farce. It was also very, very boring. But she couldn’t think of anything she would actually do at home that was in any way important. She did take a moment to seriously contemplate if there was any way she could find a productive and rational reason she could put forth for just going home and dropping herself on her bed until tomorrow. After applying all of her considerable mental capacity and reasoning skills to this dilemma, Sodachi Oikura arrived at an elegantly simplistic answer.

She would carry on walking and not mention that moment of contemplation to anyone.

On the third day, Araragi must have decided that she was in too much of a low mood than usual. He therefore invited Oikura to go out with him. To be more precise, Araragi asked her to help him with some maths related work he needed to do as part of his own studies and prodded at her ego in such a way that she angrily declared “I will definitely be able to handle whatever it is that you are working on. Even someone as thick-headed like you will comprehend the material once I’m done. See you later, Araragi!”. She then stormed off to her remaining classes. Her next meeting that day with Araragi had the conversation amount to four sentences. His polite “Good afternoon, Oikura” was met with a hasty “Good afternoon”, clearly said as a formality to pass through. She then got him to confirm where they would be working and then set off in the right direction, taking a moment to see if Araragi was following her. That was the end of that conversation. The study session was what Araragi would describe at the end as interesting. Oikura alternated between varying degrees of sincere passion for subject of mathematics and a desire to assert her own superior position to Araragi in this field.

But Oikura did emerge from the meeting feeling rather triumphant and it was a productive session in terms of learning. Oikura did feel that Araragi had absorbed what she had to share with him regarding his current curriculum. From what she recalled, he’d honestly always been good at understanding mathematics. A pity he was not so sharp with other matters. But that was the past. Oikura knew should try to focus on the present, as hard as that was at times. In the present, she had just had an enjoyable time. That should be enough, right?

It did make the fourth day from her meeting with Hanekawa more bearable, though nothing happened in it beyond the routine. Oikura did consider that it was four days since that meeting and that she should probably contact Hanekawa. She did text Araragi to get Hanekawa’s phone number. But Oikura did not phone or message Hanekawa that day.

She did decide to do that on the fifth day. Oikura was determined to do that. Yes, she was ready. As she sat at the table in her apartment, her phone ready for the call, Oikura was certain she was ready. Even as she kept thinking about what to say, how she would respond to this or that possible way the conversation could go, Oikura was certain that she was ready. As the sun set and she needed to get up to turn on some lighting, Oikura sat down thinking she would phone Hanekawa right away. She did not.

Eventually, Oikura did act. _I should just phone her already. I’m not going to get any sleep if I keep sitting here and I’m so sleepy. Just get this done with now. Stop overthinking this and call her._

With that thought propelling her, Oikura brought up Hanekawa’s number and pressed call on her phone. After a few rings, Hanekawa answered her.

“Hello, Oikura. I’m glad to hear from you”. There was a pause. “1 AM? I’m flattered that you would be so enthusiastic to contact me”.

 _1 AM? Wait, it couldn't be?_ But a glance at a clock she had not given any attention to confirmed it was indeed 1 AM. _Right, well done. I really have no social skills at all. Of course I’d spend so long thinking about how to do this perfectly that I would take until the start of the next day to phone her, then forget to pay any attention to the time. Now, can I salvage this mess? She has given me an opening._

“Yes, I've been hoping to contact you. But Araragi only gave me your phone number yesterday and I've been rather busy recently. Sorry for how late it is. I didn't realize how late it was. I've been reading an interesting book. It’s really 1 AM? I didn't realize that”. She paused for a moment. “But since I've phoned you now, we might as well have a chat, right? We never did decide when we’d next meet”.

That was fairly plausible. Yes, she had only gotten Hanekawa’s phone number yesterday and she was a student. Oikura had plenty to do and, even with whatever Araragi told her, Hanekawa could hardly claim to know everything Oikura did. She could hardly know if Oikura had really been busy. But there was one clear weak spot in what she said. If Hanekawa asked her about the book that had supposedly kept her distracted to the point that it was 1 AM when she got around to phoning, there would be no answer to give. It did not exist. But it seemed Oikura would have some luck this time. Instead, Hanekawa said “Right, let me check my schedule. Please give me a moment”.

Oikura held back the urge to let loose a sigh of relief and Hanekawa quickly finished what she was doing and gave some times she could meet Oikura. Two days from now, at another lunch meeting, seemed to be the best option to her. Hanekawa agreed to that choice. Then she had one more thing to add. “I heard you helped Araragi with some particularly hard mathematics problems. Both myself and Senjougahara were unable to assist him, so it is good you were willing to help Araragi. Thank you”.

 _Of course, Araragi would have told Hanekawa that. He would be sure to tell her that they were hard to, in order to enhance the perceived value of what I’ve done, therefore making me look better. How ridiculous._ But it was late and Oikura had no idea what to make of the fact that Hanekawa had decided to mention this to her and thank her. A tired “No problem” was all she could think of giving. “Good night, Hanekawa”.

“Good night”

With that done, Oikura went to bed, too tired to really think more about the phone call. Given her inclination to over think things, it was probably a good thing. _I can overthink everything tomorrow_ was the last thing that went through Oikura’s mind before sleep took her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading to this point, dear reader. I hope you enjoyed this. Now, I recently set up a Ko-Fi account. That you are reading this and hopefully enjoying yourself is more than enough to make me happy. Suck knowledge is immensely rewarding. Please consider letting me know via a comment or a kudos if you are. Again, thank you for reading this. But if you feel like giving something via Ko-Fi, that would be a immense gesture that I would be incredibly grateful for. 
> 
> Ko-Fi


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one honestly took quite a bit out of me. I wanted this chapter to one where I pushed myself and hopefully made something better. I like the Monogatari series and felt I needed to add a good Monogatari conversation scene that would move things forward. I hope I managed that.

“Pardon me for saying this, but you don’t look too good, Oikura”.

Oikura sighed. She honestly thought that was a generous assessment from Hanekawa. She would use much worse words herself. Still, it was a bit concerning that this was how their conversation was to start, after pleasantries. Oikura did not care much about how she seemed to others. Caring about how she was in itself was a hard enough task. But there were certain people she never wanted to see her in a mess. Dealing with the consequences was enough of a pain that it was preferable to make sure she at least seemed fine. Oikura had found out that the best way to do that was honestly to be in as good a state as possible. Relying on faking being fine when you had nosy people around who knew you well enough to pick at your lies was often both tremendously hard and comically ineffective. You’d still need to lie a bit at times, but those nosy people were inclined to leave you be if they had enough reason to think you were okay even accounting for the lies.

It was worrying that she had reached a state where her efforts at being normal were no longer able to, when combined with lying, satisfy people. She had let herself slip enough to give Hanekawa an opening. This was, for Hanekawa, an effort to call Oikura out on her neglect of herself. The idea of having a person care enough about her to do that was theoretically appealing. But actually having to deal with that, to have another fuss over her in a way that made her feel like a small pathetic creature, that was a lot less appealing. In fact, Oikura found that repulsive. With Araragi, his aid was accepting mainly because he was so persistent. He was much like an obnoxious salesperson who regarded rejection as an insult to their marketing technique. Eventually, you had a choice of either figuring out how to get them out of your life or gave in. The first option was impossible. In fact, Oikura was eventually of the opinion that an attitude of “Get Araragi out of my life” was more harmful to her than to anyone else. So, she’d given in to the second choice to the point that is was now her habit in regards to that person.

But having another person doing that was hardly appealing. Oikura knew she had a bad hand. Hanekawa knew plenty about her from their past encounter and likely knew everything that Araragi did. Given his persistence in intruding in Oikura’s life, that was certainly more than she’d want to have a potential friend know. It was up to Oikura to try and control this and see if she could giving a convincing answer that would stop them from touching matters that would result in the death of what respect she had. Hanekawa was a persistent person. It would take a skilful lie to convince her that Oikura was fine enough. She was not optimistic. But it was preferable to try.

So, Oikura made her move.

“I’m a bit unwell, yes. Thank you for your concern. But a big part of why I appear as I do is that I simply did not get enough sleep last night and the night before”. She forced a yawn. “I can make up for that tonight and in the future by catching up on my sleep. But I do need to manage my sleep habits better. Certainly, I should try to avoid getting caught up in reading so late”. Next, Oikura does her best to look remorseful. “Again, sorry for disturbing you so late”. She adds a light giggle and tries a light smile. A very light one. Hopefully, that would result in a nice smile, one without the common negative quality of her smiles. “Ah, that was silly to do. That was so embarrassing. I’ll definitely make sure that doesn't happen again”.

There. Oikura had hopefully diverted the conversation and given a believable excuse for how she appeared to be, plus the little touches she added should give a lightheartedness to what she’d said. It would be bad if her excuse gave Hanekawa something to be concerned about.

“Hmm, I’m glad to hear that. But if there is anything more bothering, I hope you will tell me. We are friends, after all”. Hanakawa paused for a moment, then added “I might ask you about that book later. If it kept you up like that. I do value your opinion very much”.

Hanekawa was one of those people who could makes others feel uncomfortable with a smiling face. Not in the way that Oikura herself did, where it was a result of malicious or toxic feeling towards herself or others invariably making her smile into something unpleasant or even ghastly. No, Hanekawa’s smile was very pleasant. Perfectly so. But there was something about it that made the other person feel the true feelings of Hanekawa, even as she remained impeccably polite. In this case, Oikura could feel that her attempt at a bluff had failed. There would definitely be more of a chance that Hanekawa would ask about that non-existent book based on the amount of times Oikura lied from this point forward.

In some ways, Oikura considered Hanekawa to be a scary person. She was glad that part of Hanekawa was something she was only facing in regards to her own admittedly bad tendencies. This was simply Hanekawa being forced to be serious. Oikura would hate to be someone Hanekawa was actually hostile to.

Well, she had a choice to make. Oikura could either try to carry on bluffing or she could give Hanekawa what she wanted. As she took a moment to reflect how she had felt this morning, it was clear to Oikura what her next move would be.

 

* * *

  
Oikura was up. Well, she was awake. She had been hoping that having a goal would have helped her a little. _Not really. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to go out there, wasting my time with things that often feel so empty. What is the point? I feel like at least half the things I do when I’m up are to spite or impress Araragi in some way. Why am I bothering so much with him? Why can’t I live for myself, for my own happiness._

Unwanted images appeared in her mind. Images of her old home, of her old home life, of those maths lessons, of the class trial, of her stabbing Araragi and then getting knocked out by Senjougahara, of her meeting Araragi in her pajamas out of sheer spite and then trying to attack him with a tea cup. Now that she knew of what had truly happened to her mother, these were accompanied by imaginings of her mother’s body shriveling and decaying as Oikura obliviously continued to try and care for someone who had ceased to live even before their death.

The message from her own mind was clear. _I do not deserve to be happy. I am incapable of being happy. I deserve to be miserable._

That part of her mind was what had made Oikura latch on to hating Araragi for years. It was the part that had once made her beg for him to let her hate him. If she redirected those negative feelings on to another, it made living more bearable. Oikura was meant to be trying to find her own happiness, right? Yet she still lived that way to a degree. Araragi often used that now instinctive hostility to get her to live. She doubted he enjoyed it or was satisfied with that approach. But what else was there? Even Oikura herself had no idea.

But she recalled that warmth that Hanekawa had made her feel.

_It was nice, wasn’t it? Probably, it’s something I don’t deserve. But I’ve been selfish in my own way plenty of times. Why not be selfish for something that might do some good? Maybe this sort of selfishness is what finding happiness is about, at least partially. So, I should go. If I ever want to be happy, I need to reach out and take what I can. Isn't that part of why I’m here, to try and make use of my knowledge to attain a better life?_

Well, she was hardly going to be doing anything else today. Besides, she had been the one to arrange this with Hanekawa. It would be embarrassing for Oikura if she didn't turn up.

_Besides, I simply want to see Hanekawa. Because it would make me happy._

 

* * *

  
“Thank you”. Oikura took a moment to pretend to be contemplating what she would do. But she’d already made her decision. That was simply a gesture for the sake of her own pride.

“Actually, there are a few things I’d like to talk to you about. I know this is a friendly lunch, hardly the time for such things, but I really would like to talk about them”. Oikura glared at the menu as she added the next bit. “With you. If you don’t mind”.

Oikura chose to fold. Hanekawa was the victor. But Oikura felt that maybe it was better that she had lost to her.

“I’d be happy to listen”.

Yes, Oikura knew that. She’d known that before they had met today. But that did not necessarily make talking easier. Though, perhaps it actually would? That seemed absurd, but she did feel more like talking when she thought of how she had Hanekawa to listen.

“Well, how shall I start? Hmm, Hanekawa, have you ever woken up and wondered why you are even getting out of your bed?”

“Yes. I assume you’re experiencing that?”

That was a bit of a surprise. The expression on Hanekawa’s face and the tone of her voice conveyed a complete seriousness. “You've really felt like that?”

“I really have. I had had a time in my life where I looked on my own life and was forced to what I was doing with my life. Thankfully, I was able to confront my issues and grow. That is the important thing. Yes, there are plenty of people in this world who suffer like you and I have. The important thing is whether you can move from it in a relatively positive way. I suspect you believe you can’t. To a degree, you’re right. There will be some things that will never go away”.

Hanekawa touched a strand of her hair. “I might dye my hair, something I hope you will kindly not tell anyone, but I will always bear a reminder of what I was, of what I did. Not just physically, but in the core of my person, I've taken that and grown from it”.

There was silence for a moment. In that, Oikura regarded Hanekawa with curiosity.

Hanekawa then immediately moved things back on track.  
  
“But it seems we've ended up moving away from my question. Have you been experiencing that yourself?”

It was just one word that she needed to say, but Oikura said it grudgingly. “Yes”.

“Let’s try to get a better understanding of how and why you feel that way. I can provide you with advice which I hope will be helpful, but only if I have a better idea of the situation. All I have is what Araragi has told me and I’d rather have something more reliable”.

Oikura smirked at that. It was a cheap shot, but it worked. Her opinion of Araragi was still shaped enough by past feelings that she could not help it, even with all he had done. She obligingly moved to prove her superior ability in this regards to that person, the one who was both her friend and yet someone Oikura habitually was inclined to disdain. Oikura readied a summary of what Hanekawa seemed to want in her head and promptly gave the information desired with efficiency.

“There’s my studies. Those are going well and I do enjoy the field itself. However, I have no idea how I will apply my knowledge after university. I honestly have nothing I’m interested in and there are hardly that many jobs that match my skills. Or are suited to someone with my…”. Oikura tried to think of a way to describe her problem that was tolerable. She settled for “.. condition”. That was understating the issue, but Hanekawa hardly needed things to be spelt out to her. “I really doubt I will gain any employment after this. I suppose you can say my studies are therefore a time wasting vanity project. Studying mathematics keeps me busy and appeals to my inflated ego. Even now, I can’t resist the allure of being able to potentially get others to acknowledge me as a genius. How pathetic, right?”

Oikura’s face was radiating pure spite direct at herself, even as she maintained a smile and held back from any outbursts. As expected, Hanekawa was looking at her with a mixture of disapproval and disagreement. There was thankfully no pity there. No guilt. She’d seem the same look from Araragi, but it it always had traces of those two things in it. Traces that made it intolerable, that made Oikura want to reject any contrary view he might bring up in opposition to her self-loathing.

The look on Hanekawa’s face was tolerable, at least. But Oikura felt she should move on to the next part.

“My social network is limited, I’ll admit, as is my social life”. Oikura knew an accurate summary needed that, but she still felt the compulsion to avoid being pitied by others. “Oh, it’s hardly abnormally bad. There are plenty of people in situations like mine socially. But I am a bit concerned about what will happen after university. I suppose I could keep in contact with Araragi”. Oikura winced slightly at the idea. “Or he’d do that himself. Araragi is like that. He is a very persistent person. Annoyingly so. He can be so irritating, so insufferable. At the same time, I suppose I depend on him a lot. I suppose I need him in order to live. He might actually be my friend”. Oikura let out a bitter laugh. “Yet much of what I do is driven by a desire to spite him, to beat him. How like me to have such a twisted mess of a relationship with another. I never seem to handle things in a normal way with Araragi. Instead, it’s always convoluted lines of thought and convoluted messes”.

“Maybe that’s true, Oikura”. Hanekawa was smiling, but that smile was stained by sadness. “Maybe, at least in regards to Araragi, you will never fully escape the past. Maybe you’ll never have a normal friendship. You’re both doing your best already. I hope it might be enough, one day. All I can do myself is offer to be as good a friend as I can be. I hope you will at least let me try my best at that.”

A small smile formed on Oikura’s face, a rare smile that radiated simple happiness “I hope I will too. Thank you”

Oikura folded her arms and leaned back in her chair. “So, there is all the information I can provide. Now to process it and derive some conclusions. So, Hanekawa, your thoughts? I've heard you know….” She was almost compelled to say everything, but she forced herself to instead say “...a lot”. Phew, it would have been annoying to walk into that.

“Oh, yes. I suppose I do”.

Hanekawa actually looked slightly off put. Maybe it was a faux pas to not let a person use their catch phrase.

_Wait, why do any of us even have catch phrases? What is wrong with everyone? Well, at least I’ll never be so absurd. I’ll never have a catch phrase._

“In regards to what you’re going to do with your life, I can’t really offer an answer. All I can say is that it’s best to make the most of it and treasure the things that you enjoy, no matter what. You love mathematics, right?”

Oikura nodded.

“Then never let go of that love, no matter your mind might tell you about it’s worth or attribute as motives for continuing that love. You have the right to enjoy that which gives you happiness and seek out more ways to enjoy it”. Hanekawa had a beaming smile. “Also, there are many wonderful things out in this world to enjoy. I’d offer to let you travel with me, but you have your studies to finish”.

Well, that and Oikura was hardly ready mentally for travelling the world. “But maybe we could travel somewhere together after that. There are many things out there I’d love to show you, to share with you”.

“I’d like that”.

That she had responded in such a way was surprising to Oikura herself. But it was true. She would like to do that. But that did prompt a question.

“You travel the world all the time. Don’t you think that will make a friendship difficult? How do you expect to us to be there for each other if we’re rarely even in the same country?”

“Oikura, there’s social media”

“I’m not joining Friendspace”. A pause. “Or Mobbook”.

Hanekawa gave Oikura an annoyed look. “There’s also email. And video chat. And chat services. There are a lot of options, Oikura. It’s also hardly like I rarely visit Japan”.

“Fine, your point is very clear”.

“Good. So, I’ll endeavour to keep in touch often. As your friend, I really should do that more”.

Oikura grinned. “Yes, you really should. I hadn't heard from you since high school and not even had a phone call”.

“Yes, I suppose I should have phoned you in the very early morning at least once during that time. Maybe I should make up for that”.

“Please don’t”.

The two laughed a little. They then finished their meals, occasionally engaging in small talk.

“Don’t worry about the bill, Oikura. I’ll cover it”

“Thank you”.


	5. Chapter 5

Oikura felt she was really going to regret this. Really, really regret this. But Hanekawa was right. Online social media could serve as a way to keep in touch with her new friend. So, time to go online. She set up a profile on a site that Hanekawa recommended. Two of the few people in her social circle were already on it and it was designed in such a way that Oikura would not have to deal with more people that she wanted to. So, it was to time to dive in.

That, Oikura did, hitting the enter key to log in with excessive force.

_Seriously? Okay, I need to work more on anger management. This might not be my preference, but breaking my own laptop out of frustration is not something I should add to my list of self-inflicted problems._

She made an effort to be more careful typing.

 **Oikura:** Hello. This is Sodachi Oikura here. I’m admittedly new to this. I hope you will be understanding of any mistakes I make as I adjust to this. I hope I can get along with you all here.

Soon after, she got a response. It was from Araragi and it contained his usual subtlety.

 **Araragi:** Hey, you’re here, Oikura? Wow, what a surprise. I am quite shocked to see you join this site, and at the same time that I am online. How extraordinarily fortuitous. But, anyway, I am quite glad to see you here.

He had once greeting her in a similar manner when she had returned to his high school. At the time, Oikura was hardly inclined to see Araragi in a positive light. She assumed his terrible effort at being friendly and playing up the sheer coincidence of them meeting had been a form of malice. Oikura had assumed it was an intentionally shoddy act. But now she knew better.

Koyomi Araragi was just absolutely terrible at acting when it came to this sort of deception. Painfully so.

 **Araragi:** Hello? Oikura, are you there?  
**Oikura:** Yes, unfortunately. I hate you so much at times.  
**Araragi:** Eh? Sorry?  
**Oikura:** Forget about it.  
**Senjougahara:** Hello, Oikura. It is nice to see you. I hope we will see more of you here. It would be nice to talk with you more.

There, a normal greeting. It sill felt a bit odd to have that normalcy come from someone who had once hit Oikura hard enough to knock her out. But the other person involved was a person she had once despised completely. Life was just very odd.

 **Oikura:** Yes, that would be nice.  
**Araragi:** Oh, I do have a question I've wanted to ask you for a while, but I felt it would be odd to ask you this in person.  
**Senjougahara:** Perhaps you should not ask it at all if that is the case, Koyomi?

Unsurprisingly, Araragi decided to ignore this tip.

 **Araragi:** Are you dating anyone?

So much for her dealing with her anger issues any time soon. But, before Oikura could type anything, Senjougahara beat her to the punch.

 **Senjougahara:** Hmm, a curious question. Why are you interested, Araragi?  
**Araragi:** Because she’s my friend?  
**Senjougahara:** And maybe more one day? Your girlfriend is right here, remember? Perhaps you should not ask the relationship status of other women at such a time?  
**Araragi:** Sorry.  
**Senjougahara:** Besides, she has the good sense not to date you.  
**Araragi:** You’re dating me.  
**Senjougahara:** Out of pity. Even you should have someone special in your life, I suppose.  
**Araragi:** That was needlessly cruel.  
**Senjougahara:** Not really. I could be a lot crueler, Koyomi.

Well, Senjougahara had diverted the discussion quite artfully. But this was perhaps something Oikura should discuss with someone. Even if it was Araragi.

 **Oikura:** Well, I am admittedly not currently in a relationship.

Not currently would imply that she had perhaps been in one. Hopefully. That was the intent. It was not a lie that Oikura was not currently in a relationship. In fact, she had not been in one, ever.

 **Araragi:** So, who was the lucky guy who dated you?  
**Oikura:** Lucky girl, actually  
**Araragi:** Really?  
**Senjougahara:** You’d better not be thinking of anything weird.  
**Araragi:** What? Why do people make assumptions like that about me?  
**Senjougahara:** Because I have a number of things I know, any single one of which could wreck your reputation?  
**Araragi:** Don’t exaggerate like that, please. Anyway, I’d love to learn more abut this girl you dared, Oikura.

Of course. Of course he would poke at her sad lie. What a bothersome person Araragi could be when she didn’t need that.

 **Oikura:** I’m not telling you anything, Araragi. I’m not the sort to gossip about past relationships.

It was the simplest defence. It was also very weak and unpersuasive, but complex plans to push others socially tended to backfire. Oikura knew that from experience. So, instead of a complex lie about a non-existent girlfriend, she would just not say anything. Maybe she could even play this up a bit for the sake of being mysterious. That was still a thing that could be endearing, right? But perhaps it would be too much effort, even if it worked.

 **Araragi:** Well, don’t worry. I’m not going to pry.  
**Senjougahara:** Didn’t you have a thing with a lesbian friend of yours?  
**Araragi:** Kanbaru? No, she just liked to mess with people like me by pretending to be interested in them. Though she still saw me as a friend. It was light teasing in my case.  
**Senjougahara:** Ah, I see. I can definitely how that might be fun. You could be such a pervert.  
**Araragi:** That’s a view of me that greatly exaggerates my faults, in my opinion. Yes, I can be perverted. But not to the degree people assume. I’ve admittedly not helped in regards to correcting that impression with some of my words and actions. I've definitely made some serious blunders in that regard. But I really wish people did not jump to the worst assumption in regards to me.  
**Senjougahara:** You know I just like teasing you, just like Kanbaru. There’s nothing malicious intended.  
**Araragi:** I know. Sorry. But it is something that bothers me, even if I've accepted I probably will never be able to change it.

Hmm, that was a mildly interesting tangent. But it did not relate much to her problem. Oikura just could learn what she already knew, that Araragi admittedly was a decent person in spite of his quirks and that he was aware of how he came off to others and his flaws. It had taken a long for her to truly accept those things and there was still a part of her that instinctively hated Araragi. But she had. Though this was irrelevant at the moment.

 **Oikura:** Ignoring the matter of your perversions, romantic relationships have been a bit of a problem. I honestly don’t have much of an interest in starting one.  
**Araragi:** Really? That’s fine, you know. Some people start a relationship fairly early, like me. A lot of people start them later. Some never have one. All of these are okay. As I said, there are different types of happiness for everyone. If yours involves you not dating until some point in the future, or not for the foreseeable future or at all, that is all okay. None of these are a problem.  
**Senjougahara:** It’s not often, but Araragi will say something smart from time to to time. This is one of those times. Whatever you feel, please keep this in mind.  
**Oikura:** Thank you both. But I do wonder if part of the problem is simply my condition. I do admittedly hang out with many people.

That was certainly the understatement. Oikura could probably count the number of people she had hung out with over the period of a good portion of her life, if not all of it, on one hand. Two of those few people were here right now and Oikura had only started really spending time with either of them in a truly meaningful way during their time at University. Given that they were still there, it was hardly impressive.

 **Oikura:** You need to at least have an interest in others  
**Araragi:** But you hang out with us plenty of times.  
**Oikura:** Only because you push me.  
**Araragi:** To say I push you is a bit too much. I merely do a bit to encourage you.  
**Oikura:** Most pushy people would be amazed to be half as pushy as you are. It’s amazing how much you get me to do.  
**Araragi:** You should give yourself more credit. You know that there are things you want to or need to do and you’re working hard at that. Sometimes, you need a little bit of aid, but that does not change that you yourself are doing these things. Maybe I am pushy. But don’t attribute actions you willingly took or negate all the effort you put into things by putting it all down to me being pushy.

Maybe he was right? Maybe? Honestly though, what Araragi had typed sounded really cringey and stupid.

 **Senjougahara:** He is right, as much as you might be inclined to think otherwise, Oikura. Whatever you think of your actions, Araragi had less to do with them than you might think.

Really? Oikura expected this sort of thing from Araragi, but Senjougahara too? Either they’d planned this or his habits was rubbing off on her. The later possibility was definitely the more scary one.

 **Oikura:** I’ll keep that in mind.  
**Senjougahara:** Good. So, I have one question. If you were to hypothetically consider dating anyone, is there anyone you would consider dateable?

_Huh?_

**Oikura:** I've never considered that.

She left her laptop and went to her fridge to get a cold drink. Was there anyone Oikura was ever interested in dating? She quickly went through the names of the women her age she knew, dismissing them with equal quickness. Oikura paused for a moment to consider Senjougahara.

No, that would have been terrible. When I knew her before she met Araragi, I only used to her to feel better about myself through her past weakness and her dependency on me. That possibility would have been a disaster for us both. I would have made her dependant on me and the both of us would have been worse off for being together.

No, Oikura had no ideas. Maybe she was too picky? One idea did come to mind then. A vague absurd one, but it was an idea. It was better than saying she was going to die alone. Upon returning to her laptop, Oikura gave her answer.

 **Oikura:** There’s aren't many people I can even consider. Maybe Hanekawa? She seems nice.

There was a pause. A pause that became an uncomfortably long one. Why was no one saying anything?

 **Araragi:** Hmm, I could see the two of you together.

Oh, what had she stepped into? But she was a bit curious. So, Oikura would willingly step on this landmine.

 **Oikura:** Why is that?  
**Araragi:** Hanekawa does talk to me about you. Plus, I’ve been friends with her for ages.  
**Oikura:** And?  
**Araragi:** And maybe as a long term friend, I know enough about her to judge who might be a good fit for her.  
**Oikura:** Huh.  
**Araragi:** “Huh” what?  
**Oikura:** You’re an idiot.  
**Araragi:** You’re so kind.

What an insufferable person. At times, Araragi could say things that were genuinely insightful. At others, he could seriously say something like that.

 **Senjougahara:** That’s an interesting possibility, Oikura. You and Hanekawa, I mean.

No, Oikura was not going along with this. There was one thing she could do right now to stop it.

 **Oikura:** I’m going now. Good bye.

She then logged out.

 

* * *

 

  
“He really said that?”

“Yes, he did, Hanekawa. Araragi really is a moron”.

“Maybe. He can be”.

Hanekawa seemed oddly thoughtful. Oikura took another forkful of the food she had in front of her. They were at the cafe they had been using since Hanekawa had taken the place of Araragi that first time they had met in these University years. Oikura had insisted that she would order her own food in advance this time. Hanekawa was not exactly bad at choosing food. They had used this place a good number of times now and Hanekawa had kept to her habit of happening to order too much food and then sharing it. Hanekawa did agree to Oikura handling the matter of her own food, but she did say she would be ready to share if Oikura needed a bit extra.

_The point was clear. Show that I’ll order enough for myself in future, or Hanekawa would start making sure I have enough anyway._

So, Oikura made sure to do exactly that and to agree to Hanekawa covering the cost. It seemed like the preferable option. Besides, Hanekawa had ordered something a bit odd last time. Oikura’s best guess was that Araragi had been experimenting with his suggestions to Hanekawa, who had been using his advice to compensate for Hanekawa’s own tastes. She had apparently spent so much of her life eating a rather bland palette and still was stuck with tastes that others would find to be bland. Unfortunately, judging by what they had eaten last time, Araragi was either trying to get Oikura to experiment or see what she would eat when Hanekawa was the one offering it. Either way, Oikura would readily go with what Hanekawa wanted to avoid that.

“I wouldn't be opposed to dating you”.

“Huh?”

Had Oikura missed something? With the combination of her eating and her chain of thought, it was possible.

“I wouldn't be opposed to dating you”. Looking slightly perplexed at Oikura’s obvious confusion, Hanekawa went with the option of repeating herself, “Hypothetically speaking, I’d see no problem with that. In fact, you’re fairly ideal”. Frowning, she added “Even if you dislike my food choices to such a severe degree”.

Oh. That was unexpected. Oikura had mentioned the idea, expecting Hanekawa to join her in mocking it. But she seemed to be taking it seriously.

“That’s nice of you to say”. Oikura forced herself to be as neutral as possible in her response and the way she conveyed it. This was not something she had expected or mentally prepared for at all.

“It’s true”. Hanekawa smiled. “But I guess you don’t believe me. I could list the reasons why I have that opinion. But I don’t think you’ll believe me”.

“Probably not”.

“Well, we’re still working on developing our friendship. We don’t really need to consider something like romance. But I will say you are definitely someone worth loving”,

“Right”. Oikura was shovelling down her food. This was definitely not what she wanted to be dealing with. If needed, she wanted to potentially make a quick exit.

Hanekawa saw the obvious. Oikura was speaking the same in spite of her worsening mood. She was good at doing that sort of concealment if she wanted. But she still needed to clear her plate if she wanted to avoid the food issue becoming a thing again. There was no hiding that.

“Anyway, you seem to have handled your first use of social media fairly well”.

Oikura immediately slowed down the rate in which she was consuming her meal. No, Hanekawa wasn’t going to push this. She could relax. She just needed to pause and relax and this would just be a normal lunch. After a few moments of her doing that, Oikura embraced the line that had been thrown to her.

“Yes, I did fear it would go much worse. It didn’t, thankfully”.

Hanekawa looked at her thoughtfully. “How did you think it might go?”

“Well, Senjougahara could have hit me again”

“Through your laptop?”

Oikura touched her cheek as she recalled when Senjougahara had hit it. Senjougahara could hit very hard. Oikura hoped she’d be lucky to have nothing hit her as hard as Senjougahara had.

“It’s Senjougahara. I think she could do it. Though I wasn’t being serious about her hitting me. Senjougahara has mellowed out a lot”.

“So, what did you actually fear would happen?”

So, no bite on that tangent. Time for Oikura to give her actual answer then.

“Well, Senjougahara was fairly pleasant. She’s not been a problem before, but I did fear that she might be online”.

Hanekawa gave a small laugh. “Really? That’s what you feared?”

“That and Araragi saying something annoying or weird. Which he did”.

Letting lose an exasperated sigh, Hanekawa retorted “Nothing he said was that annoying or weird, at least from what you've told me. But I’m not going to push this. Not if you’re going to try and choke yourself on food if I do”.

_Wait, I’m starting to see something._

“Hanekawa, please don’t make food our thing”.

“You’re the one doing that. But if you eat normally, we likely can avoid that”. The smile Hanekawa had when making that remark immediately turned into a grimace. “You could also try being a bit nicer about my sense of taste. It’s something I’m working on. It can be hard to change and take a long time even then. You know that. You deal with this sort of struggle day to day. So, please, could you limit the degree you judge me on this?”

Hanekawa was oddly serious about this. But maybe not? There were things Oikura did not know about Hanekawa and about many of Araragi’s friends. It was entirely possible Hanekawa also had things about her that she rightfully did not like being focused on, just as Oikura did. Just because Hanekawa was doing much better in life did not mean she could not have such issues. In fact, given she knew Araragi and Araragi was, well, him, it was not unlikely.

Well, Hanekawa was right. Oikura knew what that was like and Hanekawa had treated her better than she felt she deserved. So, there was only one answer she could give.

“Okay, I’ll do that. Sorry, Hanekawa”.

With that said, Hanekawa was immediately back to normal. “It’s not a problem. But thank you for being considerate”.

The way she switched that was a bit weird. Or maybe it just really was that big of a thing? Oikura really was not good at friendship at all. But at least Hanekawa seemed like she was okay again. That was, by the standards of Hanekawa, quite the reaction. Or at least from what Oikura could tell. She’d had no idea that her little actions in regards to this issue had had such an effect. Oikura would really need to work on reading Hanekawa better. She definitely wanted to avoid upsetting her friend like that again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, this is something I've put a lot of work into, though I ended up splitting it. This will be the first half of what was originally going to be one chapter. Anyway, I hope you all like it.

This day was not going well.

It had started from the time she had woken up. Her mood was never what could be called good, at least by the standards of most other people. It also tended to have relative high points and low points. When Oikura woke up, she definitely felt like she was at the nadir of a low point.

_I feel awful. This day will just be awful, I know it._

Oikura sighed. This was not a good way to think. She’d learned that from bitter experience. But it was the way her mind worked. She had learned how going down this path of thought could sink her deeper and deeper into a pit of misery to the point that she couldn’t even perceive the idea of her being happy, to the point where happiness as an idea was overwhelming. But fighting against it felt often like trying to grip onto an almost vertical surface with her fingertips.

Right, try to think more positively.

She tried that.

_Well…_

_I can’t think of anything._

Nothing had really gone wrong, nothing she could really remark on. Yet, the tiniest things were irritating. She slightly overcooked her breakfast. She decided not to bother making any sort of lunch. Oikura hardly felt like eating out, but the idea of bothering to prepare a lunch seemed bothersome. She lacked any drive to to do anything. In fact, it would be fair to say that the idea of doing anything was itself an irritant that stirred her anger.

But not doing anything was not a choice. Oikura had resolved to change to find her happiness, to not ever be looked down by someone like Araragi. She could not abandon her studies readily, even for a day. There would also be repercussions if she missed a lecture. Oikura was hardly popular or much liked by her fellow students, though some did respect her ability at mathematics. If she needed to ask for another’s notes, there was a good chance she would not get any. Therefore, she forced herself to leave her home and go to her class.

So, the start of the class. Oikura felt like leaving right away. One of her classmates, one of the few that she interacted with, asked if she was okay. She did her best to force a decent, normal, expression and said she was fine. Oikura had plenty of practice at that. So all the other student could do was give an affirmation and go to her own seat.

_Though you only asked me to feel okay about yourself. People are so self-serving. Including me. It’s why I’m here, isn’t it? To use this course to serve as a reliever for the pain stemming from the mess that is my own malformed mind. It is just as petty and self-serving, even more so perhaps, when you consider it properly._

Then the lecture began and Oikura’s mind slipped further and further into a stupor, a mix of anger and apathy swelling up inside her as she found it even harder and harder to care about the world around her.

A question thrown at her by the teacher briefly pulled Oikura out her mental haze. Fortunately, paying enough attention in spite of that haze was something Oikura had long learned to do. She quickly gave an answer, the correct one, naturally. She did her best to keep her depression induced apathy from leaking into her voice. Not entirely successfully, apparently, as the teacher raised an eyebrow at her response and some of her fellow students started whispering for a moment, before being silenced by the teacher.

It was things she had heard before. She was the aloof and icy mathematics genius with a reputation for being moody at times and was rumoured to go into bouts of the most extreme anger, though the stories regarding that were connected to her early days here or faint tales from her past before that. But it was now a part of Oikura’s public image that she was stuck with.

After a while, Oikura realised that she had been keeping track of how far they were along this topic. Well, if they got to a point, she could just leave with the notes she had. Or she might even make it to the end of this class.

She glanced at the clock.

_Still plenty of time left. We've also not covered enough of the subject yet. I still need more notes. Otherwise, I’ll need to try and get some off my classmates. If I’m lucky enough for that._

Oikura resisted the urge to sigh. She hardly needed to attract more attention now. But how long could she keep this up? This was such a strain. Why was she even bearing it? For some desire to find happiness for herself? Like she was ever going to find that and definitely not here.

As the teacher was partway through explaining a concept, Oikura hit her limit. She was done. She couldn't do any more. She couldn't carry on doing this. It was enough. Enough. Enough. She needed to go. So, she promptly stuffed her things into her handbag, immediately attracting everyone’s attention. She got even more of it, as much as she wanted none of it, when she got up and turned towards the door. This action halted the teacher’s plan to question her act of shoving her items into her bag before it had started. Instead, the question she received was “Where are you going? We’re still in the middle of a lesson”. Then the man gave her a sympathetic look. “Is something the matter, Oikura?”

_What an annoyingly pitying look. I feel worse getting such a look, especially here and from a teacher._

Oikura tried to think of an answer. Any answer. But she could not think of one. Well, one she could say out loud. So, she just said “Sorry”, bowed her head and then walked out.

So much for her dutiful attention to her education. But even her love of mathematics was not enough to counteract her feelings. Oikura felt like she needed to leave. She was done with everything mentally at the moment. If she stayed, Oikura knew her frustration would come out one way or another. Then she’d have more problems than having missed a lecture.

So, she did the only thing she could think of doing rather than risk the chance of her toxic hate spewing out onto others. Oikura walked and walked and kept on walking.

 

* * *

 

  
_I’m exhausted. Well, there’s a bench there. Good._

Oikura sat down on it. She was tired, even more so. She had just walked and walked, with no real destination in mind. Going home felt like further failure.

_Where am I right now?_

She looked around. This was a park, one she recognized.

_I wonder what Araragi and Senjougahara are up to at this time. Probably their own classes._

Oikura stood up and walked to a nearby tree. She looked around to see if there was anyone in the area. Then she kicked it with more energy than she had put into anything today.

_Huh, that actually felt good._

She kicked it again. Then again. And again.

Oikura paused. _That’s enough, right? No, no really. I might as well carry on and let this out of my system._

She again checked around for any people or the sound of footsteps. Then she let the tree bear the brunt of her foot. It was a mechanical action, yet each kick was still a bit of a release of pent up anger. She could do this for a while.

“Oikura?”

_Ah, shit. Someone I know._

She quickly straightened and dusted off the dress she was wearing and the cardigan she had on top of it in the hope of making herself look like less of a crazy dishevelled person. Oikura hardly needed people assuming all sorts of things about her. Plus, she had been just kicking a tree. Oikura knew she needed to try and make sure she came across better. She turned to face the person who had called to her.

She knew already who it was. She had recognized the voice.

“Senjougahara, hello. It’s nice to see you”.

“Likewise”

“I’d have thought you’d be at one of your classes at this time”.

“No. I’m done for today”.

So, that explained that. How unfortunate.

“Don’t you have a class at the moment, Oikura?”

“No”.

“I’m sure I remember you having one around this time”.

“But I’m standing here now, not in a classroom. Plus, I’d hardly skip a mathematics class”.

“Hmm, true”.

The two stood in silence.

Then Senjougahara again spoke. “This sort of thing is not something I’m inclined to bother with. But I suppose, in respect to our friendship and since you matter so much to Araragi, I’ll ask this. Is something wrong? Before you answer, I’ll say right now that I have no interest in dealing with lies or any back or forth of verbal sparring. If you have no interest in telling me the truth, just say so. But I am willing to listen to your situation and offer what advice I can if you are”.

Oikura opened her mouth to make a denial, but Senjougahara stopped her. “I should say that I saw you repeatedly kicking that tree. So, there is obviously something bothering you. So, it would be more accurate to say my question is this. What is bothering you?”

Well, she’d been cornered. Plus, this was Senjougahara trying her best. Still...

“I can’t say. At least, not right now”.

“So, is there a time you will tell me?”

“Yes.

Senjougahara was silent, clearly judging the value of that answer.

“You were obviously going to lie to me before I pointed out that I saw you kicking that tree. So, how can I be sure your answer is not a lie?”

“You can’t. I could say all sorts of promises or reasoning, but I imagine it would all sound empty. The most I can offer is what you offered me. In respect to our friendship, I will promise to tell you when I can.

“Fine, I’ll accept that for now. But I do expect you to at least opening up to your friends more”. Then Senjougahara gave a rare smile. “It’s not weakness to admit to having a bad day. I have them too. I just have someone I rely on to help me overcome them”.

This was awkward. This was Senjougahara disclosing something intimate. Well, for Senjougahara.

"So does Araragi. Maybe you think he doesn't, but he’s good at hiding them. Plus, I do what I can to help him overcome such days as well. I have him to rely on and he has me”.

_Yes, he does, doesn’t he?_

“Ah, I apologize”.

Senjougahara clearly saw the effect of her words. Of course, her apology is response to Oikura’s burning glare was delivered as calmly as if all she had done was harmlessly knock against against Oikura in a tight corridor.

“But my point is that...”

“That you have a wonderful relationship. How good for you”, Oikura declared with a malicious and bitter grin. “I wish I had such a bond. I wish I could experience love like you and _Araragi_ do”.

Oikura spat out his name like it was a curse. An old habit, one drawn back up by her rage.   

“Like I said already, Oikura, I’m not in the mood for verbal sparring”.

“Well, fortunately then, neither am I. I am just expressing my honest feelings. You truly are fortunate. Many people never will experience such happiness. I happen to be in that group. Well, that is life, isn’t it? Some people are blessed with happiness, while others are less fortunate”. Oikura’s biter smile turned into a cold glare. “We both know I won’t ever have that sort of bond, the sort where one person can rely on another like you and... _Araragi_. Isn't it cruel to tease me with the idea that I could ever have it?”.

“You’re obviously lashing out. I do know you well enough to see through that”.

“And yet not well enough to rub your happiness in my face? You know what my relationship with him is like, yet you choose to put forth his utter superiority in an area I have no prospects in. Yes, I admit that. I hope you at least won’t tell _Araragi_ that. But I know you will”.

“Love is not a competition. Don’t be so immature as to treat it like that. And rubbing my happiness in your face? That’s not what I was doing”.

“And yet it is was you did. I thought _Araragi_ was the thoughtless one, but perhaps you have some talent there. Or perhaps, I must dare to consider, it was intentional?”

“The only intentional action here is your distortion of my intent, _Sodachi Oikura_.”

Her name was declared by Senjoughara with a cool icy hostility. Even Oikura in her emotional state could sense that it was time to stop, if she wanted to avoid the consequences of angering her. Senjougahara was a fearsome opponent to have, though, for a moment, she was inclined to carry on anyway. But she decided to stop. She was tired, far too tired. Even her anger was not enough for this, her boundless capacity for it restrained by that and that carrying on like this would itself be another loss to him.

She quickly bowed her head. “I am really sorry, Senjougahara. I really should not have such things to a friend”. She then stood straight, awaiting the response.

“With you, I’m not sure how sincere to take that”.

Senjougahara gave a pained, irritated look, before waving her hand dismissively. “I’ll accept your apology. But perhaps it would be best if we not talk for a bit. You clearly need to take some time to cool your head and remember who your friends are. Friendship requires that both sides fully acknowledge and respect it. You should consider how to do that better or perhaps we will both have to reconsider the status of our relationship. I know you have your problems, serious ones, but there are limits even with that and even for someone I respect. Have a nice day, Oikura”.

Having said that last line with obvious restrained anger and minimal sincerity, Senjougahara departed.

Okay, maybe Oikura should go home. It still felt like failure, but at least she would not be seen by others if she did anything like that again. Plus, after that fight, going home was a lot more desirable. She felt like she had been beaten, by Araragi, by Senjougahara and by her own demons.

_This truly is an awful day._


	7. Chapter 7

_There it is, my front door. I don’t think I’ve felt this relieved to see it._

Oikura was finally back home. She felt completely drained.

_Well, this is it. Just a bit further and I can rest._

She opened her door and went inside, taking off her shoes before going to her table and sitting down. Then she slumped down. Why not? It was her home. Why shouldn’t she just dump herself down like this and try to forget about everything?

_What an awful day._

Oikura hadn’t felt this bad in a while. She felt awful. She wished she could have stayed home. Then she thought about her notes. Were they good enough? What about her decision to walk out of class? What would that cause for her in the future? Then there was her talk with Senjougahara.

_Why did I have to bump into her of all people? Why did she think she could talk to me like that?_

She felt anger boil up inside of her, directed at everything and everyone who she felt had contributed to her awful day, especially Senjougahara. That was then suddenly swept away by guilt and shame at that anger.

_There are others who are likely having much worse days right now. So, what right do I really have to complain?_

Ah, that familiar line of thought again. She’d often employed in when faced with trouble or misfortune. Whatever she went through was not that extraordinary, so why should she complain? Why? There was no reason to feel unfortunate, because Oikura was not unfortunate at all. Feelings of shame started to overwhelm her, awoken by her mental reprimands directed at herself.

For a brief moment, she tried to fight it. _My mother wasn’t right about me. I’m not a bad person. I’ve done nothing wrong. I wasn’t a bad daughter._ She recalled the way her mother had died, withering away from a refusal to sustain herself while Oikura noticed nothing _. I didn’t kill her._

No, she was supposed to get away from that sort of thinking. _I’m supposed to find my own happiness. I’m supposed to show Araragi that I can make as much out of my life as he can. I’m supposed to find a way to change. If someone like Araragi can do all that I’m trying, surely I can, right? Right?_

That was why she was here, right? She was meant to achieve those things. She was meant to discover a path to a point where she could be happy. A point where she might not hate herself so much. But her own efforts to defend herself in her mind felt so hollow.

_Well, another failure to add to the pile. Why did I ever think something like this could work? Why would there even necessarily even be a form of happiness someone like me can have? Even if there is, do I even deserve it? I’d probably find a way to screw things up even if I did find it anyway. I’ve always had a talent for forging disasters for myself._

The words of Senjougahara drifted into her head in response. That she had bad days too, but had someone to depend upon during those times. That person, Araragi, had her to rely on in return. Her instinctual loathing of that someone was stirred up immediately. If Ararargi was there, Oikura would have happily punched him in the face.

 _Of course he had someone he could depend on during his bad days. While all I have is him and Senjougahara. He again gets a happy life while I have nothing but misery. At times like this, I despise you, Araragi._ Oikura, for a minute, was content to let her feelings of hatred be directed towards Araragi. It felt so much better when they were directed towards another person, when she could feel it was another person who deserved to be hated this much and fantasise of having revenge on them. But then that was stopped by acknowledgement of a simple fact.

_Araragi is doing nothing wrong, at least nothing worthy of hate. All he is done is try to live a decent life. I can’t really blame him for how my own life is going._

With that, Oikura’s feelings again started to be directed towards herself. Again, all she could do was lie there as self-hatred and despair flooded her mind. It was hopeless. She didn’t know what she could do. She just wished she could be free of all of this. But she would never find happiness. That, to her, felt like it was an absolute truth.

Then her phone beeped.

She was startled a bit when heard that sound. She thought she should probably respond to it. Well, in a moment. Then that moment became a minute. Then 5 minutes. Then, as about 10 minutes passed, still was the phone’s beeped again.

_Fine, I’ll check it now._

She sighed and picked up her phone. Sure enough, there were two message. Both of them were from Hanekawa.

 **Hanekawa** : I’ve just talked with Senjougahara. I’m a bit worried. Could you please talk to me? I just want to make sure you are okay.  
 **Hanekawa** : I’d like to visit you now, please. That would be okay, right?

Oikura knew she would get a message from one of the few people she knew after what happened and that it would not take long for one of them to do something. But Hanekawa? She expected to be pestered by Araragi first.

_I think I’ve made her worry about me._

Oikura instantly felt guilt in regards to that, further stirring up her feelings towards herself. But there was another feeling that was awoken. She wanted Hanekawa to visit her, to be there with her.

_She makes me feel happy. Even if I don’t deserve it, she is the sort of person who can do that. She does allow me to be happy, if only for a bit. Hanekawa really is a remarkable person._

The idea of inviting her over seemed daunting. Oikura was already filled with so many spiralling negative emotions. She knew this was not a good time to talk with others. How the conversation with Senjougahara had gone seemed to be enough proof of it.

_It’s silly to feel like this. She’s already seen me in a state like this. In fact, I was in my pyjamas last time and I was ready to attack her best friend at the slightest provocation. It’s hardly like this will lower her opinion of me. But I suppose there is a difference. That time, I cared a lot less of what she thought of me._

Now, the idea of hurting Hanekawa repulsed her. She liked the other girl a lot. She respected and admired her, to the point that it seemed odd to her at times that a person like Hanekawa would want to associate with a person like her. More importantly...

_She’s the only person I have a normal relationship with. She’s someone I really care about. She even seems to care about me, for some reason._

Well, Hanekawa could come if she wanted to. Oikura informed her of that with a quick message.

 **Oikura:** Sure. I’m really tired, so I may be asleep, but you can just walk in. My door’s open.

She put her phone down and placed her head back on the table. Her tired mind started to drift to sleep. The message alert beeped again, but Oikura’s mind had drifted too far towards sleep to care. Soon, it succumbed completely.

 

* * *

  
Through the haze of her apathy and drowsiness, a sensation reached the sleeping Oikura.

_Eh? What is this?_

She realised it was the sensation of someone touching her, poking her. Then that person slightly shook her and Oikura felt compelled to open her eyes and lift her head up.

It was Hanekawa. Hanekawa was now in her her home, looking at her with a mix of concern and affection.

_Why is she here? How did she enter my home? Oh, right. I did text her and I left my door unlocked._

Well, Hanekawa was here now. It was fortunate, in a way. There were people who committed robberies and crimes even in broad daylight. It would not have been improbable or that unlikely for a criminal to notice Oikura going home in the state she was in and decide to follow her, to take advantage of this opportunity. A person in her state would be easy to rob.

Hanekawa gave a polite cough, breaking Oikura from her sudden stream of thought.

“Ah, sorry, Hanekawa. I was just thinking. Welcome to my home. Would you like some tea?”

“Eh?”. Hanekawa looked a bit perplexed for moment. Then concern flashed upon her face before being covered in an instant by a calm smile. With a similar calm in her voice, she replied “I’ll make us both a drink. I insist”.

Normally, Oikura would have objected. The idea of having a guest to her own home making her tea, though she could not do that simple gesture for herself and for her guest, would have felt insulting. It still did, though that feeling was swamped by her apathy. The idea of bothering to object to Hanekawa felt it would itself be an irritating chore.

“Fine”. Oikura said that with a flat, lifeless tone. She instantly expected Hanekawa to say something in response. But there was just silence as Hanekawa moved towards her kettle.

_No reaction at all from Hanekawa? Wow, I must look and sound awful if she’s acting like this._

Hanekawa heated up some water and prepared some tea for the two of them without a word. Soon, Hanekawa was sitting with her at her table, a cup of tea in front of them. They sat there is silence, Oikura alternating between glaring at her cup and occasionally taking a lazy sip from it. At the same time, Hanekawa smiled politely and drank her own tea normally.

“So”, Hanekawa finally said, “I heard something about you assaulting a tree”.

“Oh”. Well, it seemed like her reputation might sink even lower. A remarkable feat. “Who did you hear that from, Hanekawa?”

“Senjougahara”.

Well, that was one positive. Senjougahara was unlikely to gossip to strangers about her friends. But, on the other hand, she’d be telling any of those within her circle of friends who’d have any interest in her. That again had a positive and negative side to it. Who is Senjougahara’s circle even knew of Oikura? Araragi’s sisters might remember her, maybe. Given that Araragi was able to forget that she had long ago been brought into his house until they had met again in the last hear of high school, she doubted that. But perhaps Araragi had mentioned her to them. Though it was very unlikely Senjougahara and Araragi’s sisters would be gossiping about her. There was a girl who knew Araragi. Nadeko? That was the name, right? Oikura had chatted with her once, though all she remembered what that they had chatted and that the girl also did not like Senjougahara. So, Nadeko was even more unlikely.

That was all of them, apart from one person. The person who was now sitting with her, drinking tea with her. Oikura doubted Hanekawa would ever gossip about her.

“Well, since you’ve heard it from her, yes. I assaulted a tree. Though it would be more accurate to say I kicked it a bit”.

“Senjougahara specifically said assaulted”.

“I feel that’s an exaggeration”.

“Since it’s Senjougahara, I don’t think it’s that much of one. It’s also you, to be blunt”.

“What does you mean by that?”

“You once stabbed Araragi for touching you. Most people manage to get through life without stabbing anyone, Oikura. Also, glaring at me like that only further proves my case”.

Oikura opened her mouth to object, but found she could not think of anything to say. With irritation, she muttered “Okay, you have a point”.

Of course she did. Geniuses can be insufferable that way. Oikura knew that from personal experience, just from dealing with herself. “There’s not much to say, Hanekawa. I’m just having a really bad day”.

“Yes, I know”.

“Hmm, of course”. Oikura then mumbled “You know everything, apparently”.

Hanekawa shrugged. “I just know what I know”

There was something odd in hearing that phrase. Normally, Oikura just saw it as a catchphrase. But she realised something. When Hanekawa said that, it really was meant earnestly. The other girl had limits that she knew of and freely admitted. At times, Oikura felt Hanekawa was on another level compared to her. Oikura was a genius, but she felt she was a mess of a person in many ways. Sometimes, she felt like a terrible person. Compared to someone like Hanekawa, she felt vastly inferior. But perhaps the gap between them was not as large as she thought.

“Well, you do know a lot”. Oikura blushed as she said that. To her, what she said was less a compliment, but an oddly defensive statement. It was like she felt a bit compelled to defend and praise Hanekawa’s intelligence, even from Hanekawa’s own modesty. It was stupid and silly, so she felt embarrassed.

Hanekawa’s smile brightened. “You do too, even if you sometimes forget a few things from time to time”.

Oikura clicked her tongue at that. Araragi was the one who forgot things, not her. Then Hanekawa’s hand moved across the table and held one of Oikura’s own. ““I’ll be as good a friend as I can be for you. All I hope from you is that you’ll let me try my best”. Remember? This really is no trouble for me, as long as you let me try. No, even if you don’t let me, if you were to reject help, trying to help you would still not be a chore at all”.

“Really?”

“None at all. I’m here because you’re my friend. This is just what I do for my friends”.

“So you’d do the same for Araragi?”. Given her well known feelings towards him, it was rude to ask that, especially with such obvious hostility in her voice. But Oikura could not stop herself. She resented the idea that Hanekawa would help someone like Araragi like she was helping Oikura now.

_I’m... jealous? Really? Yes. Yes, I think I am. How pathetic. Araragi has been friends with her for years, yet I’m jealous that I’m not put above him. I really am a pathetic person._

She did realise what she had done and tried to fix things. She tried to force a polite smile and did her best to express remorse to her friend. “Sorry. I shouldn’t ask such questions after you were so kind as to visit me”.

Hanekawa frowned. “You shouldn’t, but not simply out of a desire to avoid a social misstep or to avoid offending me. Your value as a person and to me is not something valued by using Araragi as a counter weight on a scale. They’re independent of him. Yes, there are many things I would do for the both of you as my friends. There are things I do for Araragi specifically. But there are also things I do for you specifically. I do them because you are a person who is important to me, someone I treasure”.

“I don’t know why you do. I’m a terrible person”. Oikura raised her hand to stop Hanekawa from protesting that statement. She then continued, her voice glum and devoid of anything beyond sadness and hopelessness. “Yes, I know my own view on myself are skewed to a degree, that you and others do not agree with such a view. But knowing that does nothing when it feels like it must be right. I feel like I am a terrible person. I really don’t know how to give myself value except by using Araragi in one way or another. I don’t think I can even manage something like that”. She gave a bitter laugh. “My hatred might be too much to ever allow me to do something like that. I guess I really can do little but choose what to hate”.

Hanekawa let go of Oikura’s hand and got up to move her chair next to Oikura’s. She sat down again, once again taking hold of Oikura’s hand, and silently urged to her to carry on talking. The warmth of Hanekawa’s grip helped Oikura to do that, though she spoke as glumly as before.

“For once, I wish he was right. But nothing has changed. I’ve tried to move forward, but I really haven’t at all. All I have is hatred, just like when we met at my old apartment. That’s still all I have to keep me alive”.

She looked at her cup of tea. It felt like an act of politeness as she drank what was left in her cup, as though she would have been content to have ignored it if not for the matter of who prepared it. It was, oddly, something that felt like an obligation. She then looked directly at Hanekawa.

“Maybe there is a happiness out there for me. But I don’t know how to look for it. I don’t know if I could even accept it if I did find it. I don’t think it could survive my hate. I think it would destroy any happiness out there I could find as soon as I touched it. That is the sort of person I am”. Oikura felt her feelings seem to swallow her up more and more. As if in response, Hanekawa gripped her hand a bit tighter. It felt like Hanekawa was somehow holding her up and stopping her from sinking. It was enough to let Oikura carry on talking, even if it was to say just one more thing.

“I don’t think I’ll ever feel worthy of happiness”.

Hanekawa gazed into Oikura’s eyes, the look in her own resolute as she responded. “You are. Like Araragi once told you, no one is unworthy of happiness. As long as I can do so, I’ll aim to prove it to you. I’ll try to prove to you every single day that you deserve happiness. You deserve love. I think that you can even learn to love yourself, to make a love capable of withstanding your hate. I believe you can do that because you’re Sodachi Oikura and you’re someone I think is brilliant. I know it will take a lot of effort and it will likely be something you’ll have to always protect. So, I’ll help you. I’ll be sure to remind you that you are a person worth loving and never let you forget that”.

Oikura was stunned. “Why would you do something like that? Why bother with something so stupid? You’ll probably fail, you know? I’m far too stubborn in the worst way possible. You know from experience what you’ll have to go through to simply try something getting through to me at times. I’ll probably hurt you a lot. Why would you go to so much trouble? Why should you?”

As she responded, Hanekawa seemed to radiate with an inner calm that Oikura found very reassuring. “Remember when I said I could you were someone I’d consider ideal as a partner? I didn’t say that idly. You really are the sort of person I would love. I’m not ignoring your issues when I say that. Those are the sort of things I’d be willing to support another person with, especially a person I care about. I will support you with them, Oikura. I really do like you a lot. I might even call this feeling within me a form of love”. She smiled brightly and paused to look at her hand clasped around Oikura’s. “So, I hope I can be helpful to you, Oikura. I want to help you find happiness. I want to convince you that you deserve love, because I feel love towards you and I wish I can share it with you.

This was overwhelming for Oikura. Her mind was so inclined to disbelieve and reject all this, yet Hanekawa seemed so overwhelmingly sincere and firm in her opinions about her.

_I want to accept this. But I can’t. I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do._

Oikura found herself paralysed by conflicting feelings. Her desire to accept and embrace the possibility of love clashed with her hatred of herself and the sinking hopelessness that wanted to drag her down into total apathy. The result was that Oikura found herself incapable of doing more than looking blankly at Hanekawa while the turmoil in her mind kept flickering into her expression. Apparently understanding what might be going on in Oikura’s head, Hanekawa decided to act. She wrapped her arms around Oikura, bringing her into a warm, loving embrace. For her, the exhausted mathematics genius who was once again burned out by her own hate, it was oddly soothing to be hugged like this.

_I can’t recall the last time I’ve ever been held like this._

It was so odd, so overwhelming, so bright. She could recall seeing this sort of thing, when she had lived briefly at Araragi’s home. It was happiness that was blindingly bright and that glowed with such warmth that it felt like it burned. That time, she had been unable to handle it. It felt like it would destroy her and so she had ran away from it. But this time… this time felt so different. She smiled as Hanekawa continued to hold her and she could feel tears welling in her eyes, tears of joy. She wasn’t sure how to even express the feeling flowing in her heart, beyond saying four words to the person holding her.

“Thank you, Hanekawa Tsubasa”.


	8. Chapter 8

“How do I look now?”

“You look great”.

Oikura found herself struggling to not give her guest a look of suspicion. To her, a comment like that felt like it was definitely a lie. It was something that was untrue and it was something that anyone saying it had to know was untrue. Of course, that wasn’t the case at all. Hanekawa was just giving her opinion, one that Oikura felt was incorrect. She still could see the effects of her state of mind on her appearance. She had made some effort with her clothes, though that only meant she was trying to look like she’d made an effort and hopefully not give the impression of not caring about this meeting. Oikura didn’t think she had ever looked great.

But Hanekawa had been doing her best to help her. So, for sake of her friend, she forced a smile. “Thank you”. She hoped that this gesture might work to hide her doubts. But Hanekawa instantly saw through her. “You don’t believe me at all”.

“I don’t. Sorry. I do think you are trustworthy, but such an answer is just…”. Oikura shook her head. “Even a genius can be wrong. No matter how much you know or how smart you are, you still have biases. That answer sounds too much like something a person would say simply because it would please another. I know you aren’t trying to deceive me or anything like that. At the same time, we are friends. To be blunt, a person in your position would be inclined to say such an opinion even if was wrong”.

Hanekawa’s expression was neutral, though there were some hints of annoyance in her voice. “You asked me to tell you how you looked. All I can give you in response is my honest opinion, which is that you look good. I know that this is especially important for our meeting today. But even without that, I would give you my honest opinion. That is what I know you need and you deserve it from me as your friend. So, please, trust me a bit”.

Oikura smiled slightly. “I’ll try my best to”. That was all she could offer to anyone. Fortunately, Hanekawa was one of a few who understood how much that required from her.

“Thank you”.

Hearing that and seeing the warmth in Hanekawa’s eyes made the tension she had been starting to feel fade away. Oikura still dreaded that she might once again commit a dreadful error or some faux pas that could bring disaster upon her. Even little moments like this could stir memories of her past mistakes and make her feel like she was about to make another stupid error. For now, the fear of that was faint.

It was the second time that Hanekawa had been in here in her flat. The only time they had met in person since that first visit to arrange this outing yesterday and that was at her doorstep. As for that unexpected event four days ago, it was hardly a good first visit for someone who mattered to her as much as Hanekawa did. It was amazing that she could look back on a day like that and not be filled with bitterness and shame at the memory. It still stung. It still was a disgrace. But she had a person there to help her at that time, a person who was able to show her sympathy in a way she could believe in and accept.

_Hanekawa is a unique person to manage something like that._

Oikura had felt that Hanekawa was an interesting person, but that day had shown her how fortunate she was to have her as a friend. So, she would try to make sure this visit was a lot better for Hanekawa. This time, Hanekawa was here just as a friend helping her a bit before their meeting. It was just two friends hanging out.

Even with her situation, at least her current home was better furnished than her old flat. Having a person like Hanekawa visit her unexpectedly here wasn’t a disaster. It was possible to have some visitors when she had to, as long as they knew her enough to account for her preferences and personal issues. She still had minimal furnishings, though she had put some efforts into making it more like a place that a person would live in compared to her old flat. Clutter and messiness reminded her too much of her parent’s home. Araragi and Senjougahara had given her gifts clearly meant to help avoiding her sliding into the opposite extreme and she had some of those around in different rooms. A few were actually decent. Others were there because she felt she needed to show she was trying to live more healthily and putting them around was enough to shut Araragi up. Still, her home would be considered somewhat sterile by the standards of others.

This included her bedroom, though that was a bit messier than usual, with bits of clothing on her bed. Oikura and Hanekawa had taken them out and so far had not bothered to put them back.

_I’ll need to deal with that before we go._

Her loathing of clutter in this case would be enough to overpower her apathy. Oikura couldn’t stand anything that reminded her of her old home. For a moment, unwanted memories seeped into her thoughts. But she managed to push them away by focusing on her immediate goal. They were going to go to a restaurant, partly to meet up with Araragi and Senjougahara and partly because Hanekawa wanted to spend some time with her. It also seemed to Oikura that Hanekawa wanted to both get her out of her flat and to be around to help with Senjougahara. Oikura needed to apologise to her. It was not something she was looking forward to. But it was something she owed to Senjougahara.

She glanced at her mirror. She was wearing a sleeveless white dress with a grey cardigan over it. Her silvery grey hair was as it always was, in the usual twin tails. The gaze of her grey eyes darted up and down her reflection, stopping as she was grudgingly willing to stop picking out flaws and settle on a less critical opinion.

_I suppose I do look okay._

Oikura could accept that much. But it would be reassuring to get a second opinion, just to be safe. She wanted to make the right impression when she met up with Senjougahara. At a minimum, she wanted to ensure Araragi would not be provided with any ammunition, should they end up in a bit of verbal sparring. She glanced at Hanekawa. “I do at least look presentable, right?”

Hanekawa sighed. “Yes, you do”.

“That’s all I need to know”.

She did take a second look at herself, just to confirm something. She had plenty of experience of what she looked like when she was especially low. At least to her, she felt like she could see the traces of her poor health in her appearance even if other didn’t seen to notice anything. As she looked at herself now...

_I think I’m already starting to look better. Maybe Hanekawa is helping more than I realised._

Hanekawa then cleared her throat, getting Oikura’s attention. “We have some time to spare before we need to go out. I would like to take a moment to rest”.

They had not spent much time on this task, but Oikura knew she had hardly been easy to deal with during it. Hanekawa deserved a rest and she would be better off if she did the same before their trip.

“Sure, that’s okay”. Oikura then added “I’ll make you some tea”.

Hanekawa, moving to the door, stopped for a moment, turned to face Oikura again. After a moment, she smiled. “That would be nice. Thank you”.

_Hanekawa was probably intending to make it again. But I can, at this time, least act as a decent host._

Oikura moved to deal with the clothes laid out. Seeing that, Hanekawa moved to assist her. After that was done, they then exited her bedroom into the room that served as a both her kitchen and living room. Hanekawa sat down and waited quietly as Oikura made them both a cup, sat down at the table with hand and waited for her to take a sip.

“It’s fine”. That was all Hanekawa said after she did so. For Oikura, that was enough for her to feel relieved. She then took a sip from her own cup and started to sort through her thoughts. They’d talked a bit via phone, but this was the first time they had seen each other face to face again. Well, it had only been a few days since Hanekawa’s surprise visit during that awful day.

_An awful day? It was simply like a lot of days in my life. If awful simply means days like that, it really doesn’t have much meaning at all. Maybe I should call it something different. But this is ultimately just me indulging in a chance to be pointlessly dramatic and self-pitying, isn’t it?_

Oikura resisted the impulse to grimace in response to her self-reproaching thoughts. She really was her own worst enemy, to the point that it had been easier to make another into her enemy that deal with herself. At the moment, she would instead focus on Hanekawa, continuing to listen to her talk and respond to her when needed.

“I shared the notes I made while travelling through the Russian tundras with Tokyo University. I got a response from them three days ago. They were impressed”.

“Really?”

“Yes, though I imagine they factored in my age when saying that”. Hanekawa seemed to be retreating from her own comment. Maybe she felt like she was being boastful?

“Them even looking at research notes submitted by someone your age is remarkable. Even if they only mean that it’s amazing for a teenager, that is an amazing accomplishment.

Hanekawa blushed slightly. “Yes, that’s true. It does feel a bit unreal, but I’ve really managed to get praise from a major University at my age for research I’ve done”.

“I’m sure you’ll have this experience again. You’ve done so much and have so much to work on. I don’t doubt that you’ll do more amazing work”. Oikura was a bit jealous, though she hadn’t even thought of trying anything like the sort of research at the level of what Hanekawa did as she travelled the world. She never would have reached out to a University to share it. So, of course she’d not get that sort of recognition. She hadn’t even tried anything that would merit it.

But she did her best not to let this show to Hanekawa, who currently had a contemplative and distant expression as she described her current situation with her work. “There is a lot to go through from my last trip and I still have a lot from my previous trips to examine further. Plus, I have a few theories regarding some items that will require me to return to a few places. I need to save up for another round of trips”.

Hanekawa continued to talk in detail about her plans, Oikura happy to listen. She was inclined to negatively compare herself to Hanekawa and her life and that was a problem. At the same time, the enthusiasm and joy being shown by Hanekawa in regards to her experiences abroad and of seeing and learning all sorts of things was contagious. Eventually though, Oikura felt she needed to put forward a question that had been lingering in her mind since Hanekawa mentioned her good news.

“Have you done anything to celebrate your achievement yet?”

“I told Araragi and he insisted on taking me out to dinner with Senjougahara. You know how he is. I couldn’t really say no, even if it was really sudden. But I didn’t have anything planned and it was at a nice restaurant. Senjougahara was the one who picked it. Apparently, she’d never been to it. She just quickly did some research online and found it. She really has a talent for organizing things, even with little notice”. Hanekawa then took a sip of her tea and seemed to lose herself in thought.

 _She’s probably just recalling that evening. Or maybe she’s recalling some past experiences in regards to Senjougahara. I actually don’t know much about their friendship, thinking about it._  
  
Then her thoughts focused on Araragi.

_Of course he would do something like that, a sudden gesture like that to show support to his friend._

Oikura was annoyed to have been left out. It seemed unfair that Araragi got to celebrate with Hanekawa, but she only learned of the celebration afterwards. It was technically her fault though. She had been staying at home and it had been something he had suddenly decided to do. It was not an obligation for him to involve her in everything he did, especially since she was so often disinterested in his offers. He had a right to his own life. Plus, it was a celebration of a major accomplishment. Who would want a person like her around for something like that?

“I’m sorry that we didn’t invite you. We all thought that it wasn’t a good idea to potentially force you out of your home for something like that”.

“Huh?”. The sudden comment from Hanekawa shook Oikura out of her thoughts. She had though Hanekawa wasn’t paying much attention. But the other woman had still read her thoughts like they were a book. Either that or she was just that predictable.

_Now I’m making Hanekawa feel bad about celebrating her achievement. I’m really excelling at being an awful friend now. Maybe I should tell Araragi to watch out for some competition._

Oikura needed to fix this. Grinning, she calmly replied “There’s no need to apologize. You were right. I probably would have said no anyway. Besides, you didn’t have much time and just getting me to go would have taken too much of that time”.

“I should have least asked. I could have easily taken a moment to send you a text message. But I would still like to celebrate it with you. I’d really like to do something with just you and me. You matter to me a lot and making memories of celebrating this with you is something I want to do”.

“Hmph, Araragi will be talking about us having a date for ages”. Oikura smirked for a moment, before smiling genuinely. “But I would like that, Hanekawa”.

“Araragi’s not really that bad”.

“True, though he has so much to mock that I’m sure he’d simply rather avoid painting a target on himself”.

Oikura started to laugh as she recalled some of the stuff that Senjougahara had shared and that Araragi had let slip. Despite clearly trying to stop herself, Hanekawa ended up joining in and the both had a shared moment of laugher at their friend’s expense. It was still odd to her even with the time since high school, but she found herself feeling no real malice in herself in this moment. It was still odd to be laughing at Araragi without that, even with the number of times it had happened. She’d done it with even Araragi joining in and making jokes at his own expense. Then he often regretted it when Senjougahara decided to join in on the jokes. She could be very brutal.

Araragi was an odd person, yet it was a fact that he had done a lot for those he considered to be friends. Though that didn’t stop Hanekawa from now taking the chance to share some anecdotes about Araragi that he would be upset to have shared about him. Gossiping with others had never appealed to Oikura. She had never been really connected to others her age who were much inclined to gossip. If anything, she had been the sort of person to unintentionally encourage gossip about herself. But talking to Hanekawa was different, even to talking with Araragi and Senjougahara and she did consider them to be people both important to her and that she was capable of socialising with.

_I suppose I’m really rather fortunate._

Then Hanekawa asked the question that was inevitably going to be asked sooner or later.

“How have you been?”

Ah, that question. That topic. Hanekawa had asked it before in their phone conversations and during her doorstep visit yesterday, but she had not given a full answer. But leaving it unanswered would only give Hanekawa more reason to be concerned. Putting this off was also not helpful and would possibly increase the chance of it being more painful. So, now might as well be the time to face it head on.

“I’ll need to work hard to catch up on my classes. None of my tutors are happy with my absences”. Oikura had some leniency shown to her due to her high quality of work, but the tutors still had a job to do.

“If you need any help with that, I have some time in which to assist you. I’ve been examining some items I brought back with me from my trips abroad, but I’m sure I can still find some time in which to help you”.

Oikura weighed her options in her head. She would need to accept help for this, so she really had just two options, as much as she would prefer to sort out her mess on her own. Her pride called for her to do it all on her own, but that would just lead to a disaster. She could grudgingly admit that. So, her two options. Those were either help from Hanekawa or help from Araragi. Given that Hanekawa was offering to help her right now, the choice was simple.

“Help would be really appreciated”. Araragi would potentially be more useful for her mathematics focused studies, even if his own studies focused on law. He was still attentive in regards to studying maths, focusing on it to a degree that he was a match for Hanekawa in that area. But Hanekawa was her preferred choice. This was for two reasons. First, she was not Araragi. Second, it would involve spending more time with Hanekawa. Well, thinking of Araragi, it would probably be the right thing to tell Hanekawa of what he recently did.

“Araragi visited shortly after you did”.

Hanekawa frowned. “Really? He hasn’t mentioned that to me”.

“Likely because he thought he shouldn’t or that I would be angry if he talked about that visit. But, yes, he did visit mine later that day.

“Ah. Then I need to apologize to him”.

“Why would you need to do that?”

“Because I had told him off for seeming to not care enough to check up on you”

“He is his own worst enemy sometimes”. Oikura knew that from experience, some still painful to this day. He could really mess things up for himself and others. At the same time, even she could admit he was a good friend and someone who really wanted to help people. His sudden visit on that day was one bit of proof of that truth.

“I might as well tell you what happened, Hanekawa. It’s not that interesting and not something I have much desire to reflect, but it would be better if I’m the one to tell this story. At a minimum, I’m sure I can tell it better than Araragi and avoid his sort of additions”.

Oikura took a long sip from her cup to stall for time as she sorted out her thoughts. Then she began. “I was, as you can guess, not doing much of anything. I live a fairly boring life and I didn’t suddenly change that to throw a party in the few hours from when you left. So this story starts very simply, with my doorbell ringing and me going to check who was there to bother me”.


	9. Chapter 9

_I should have expected this. Why didn’t I? It’s such a predictable thing and yet I’m somehow surprised._

Admittedly, she had been mostly focused on herself and had only paid attention to others to either respond to their presence or use their existence rub salt in her own wounds. Still, Araragi was at her door. On a day like this, he had appeared to visit her and was right there, waiting for her. It was something to be expected by now, but she still found herself knocked off balance by this. She shouldn’t have though and she took a moment to berate herself for that. After that, she focused her thoughts on her unwanted visitor.

_Of course he would have a role on a day like this._

Oikura’s initial desire was to ignore him. But that would be pointless. He was still irritating to her in a lot of ways, even if she had learned a bit of how to ignore built up habits to recognize the good parts of his personality. One trait that made him irritating to her was his persistence. He likely had heard about today’s events. With his sense of guilt about her and the particular way he and his group tend to show concern, she knew he would likely persist in his efforts at getting to see her for a while. So, Oikura decided to just open the door and face him. It would be quicker to just get it over with. She went to her door, opened it and greeted Araragi in the only way she could at the point, with a hostile and cold glare.

“Hi, Oikura”.

To his credit, he said that calmly in spite of the murderous glare he was getting. _Is he getting tougher nerves for the sake of his law enforcement ambitions or is he just finally used to getting murderous glares from women?_

Oikura decided to save that line of thought for another time and took a moment to take note that both of his hands had bags in them. She then gave him the nicest response she could at this time, which was to bluntly and irritably ask “What do you want, Araragi?”

“To check up on you”.

“Okay. Here I am. You likely know enough already from Senjougahara and Hanekawa that I shouldn’t need to explain anything to you. At least, I hope not. I really do not want to deal with pestering today”.

“That’s fine. I just thought I should visit. I mean, we are friends, right?”

Annoyed, Oikura replied “Yes, Araragi, we’re friends”.

“Right, and as your friend, I should do my best to help during bad days like today. Also, I brought this”. He lifted up the bags he was holding to show their were shopping bags. “I know you’ll probably be staying at home to avoid people like me for a while”. He laughed at his own self-depreciating joke and then added “So, I thought I’d follow through with our ideas for situations like this”.

_Plan? What plan?_

Then Oikura recalled that Araragi and Senjougahara had insisted on having measures in place to help her after some difficulties earlier on in their time at University. It had required a long conversation, but she had eventually decided they had a point and agreed to them doing what they felt they needed to.

_Oh, that plan. How annoying. But I suppose it does make sense._

Araragi was an annoying person. But he was also right. Oikura indeed did not intend to go out soon since that incident. Plus, she had agreed to this and arguing against both Araragi and what she had said in the past was not something Oikura wanted to do.

“Fine, you can come in”.

Araragi did exactly that, a satisfied smile on his face at having gotten Oikura’s agreement. He proceeded to do what he had offered to do, which he started by putting the bags on her kitchen surface and taking out the contents of one bag. That had important coursework that he’d gotten off a tutor. Then he moved on to the contents of the other bags. Those contained a number of things she had a limited supply of, items that would be bad to run out of if she was staying home for a number of days. Most of it was mundane, though she did poke fun at Araragi for some of his choices. Though her mood soured when she saw some of the things he had gotten and she glared at him. He did at least have the decency to be embarrassed.

“Senjougahara told me to get those and told me which brands to get. Sorry, but she really insisted that I should get them”.

_No woman should suffer the horror of knowing Araragi bought those sorts of things for her. This is mortifying._

Araragi frowned. “Hey, what’s with that look? What do you think I could have even done with them?”. He then sighed. “One day, I hope I’ll be free of these assumptions people make about me”.

“I don’t think you’ll be that lucky, though I hope you can cover up your habits when you become a member of law enforcement. I don’t think having people think that the person they are dealing with is a pervert will allow you to properly do your job”.

“True”. Araragi seemed to stop to think about that scenario, his frown deepening as he seemed to spend longer thinking about whatever disaster Oikura had prompted him to imagine. She had only gotten to really know Araragi as a person rather than as her antagonist during their time at University. But there were things she was sure about Araragi, things she felt could be considered facts. One of those was that Araragi did care a lot about justice and that getting to a point where he could make that his job was something that mattered to him. Maybe her comment had affected him more than she intended. So she decided she should try to lighten his mood.

“Hey, Araragi”.

His eyes focused on her. “Yes?”

“For what it’s worth, I think you could be a good cop. Even I wouldn’t feel too bad about trusting you with my safety”.

“From you, that means a lot. Thank you”. His expression did seem to lighten and Oikura decided to take that as a success, something rare for her in the area of relationships with others.

“Hopefully, you can keep yourself out of the weird situations you seem to end up in. I mean, I heard from Senjougahara about the time that...”.

Araragi hastily interrupted her. “Okay, I really don’t need whatever it was repeated. Whatever it was was embarrassing enough when it happened without having you speak about it”.

“Why me?”

“You’re a very important friend”.

She always found it difficult to process how to respond to comments like that from Araragi. She knew he was being genuine. But there was a part of her that found it hard to see such statements as serious or genuine. So she just said “Thanks”. After a moment, Oikura added “Though, I suppose you aren’t as blessed as I once thought in the past. You seem to stumble into misfortune in a different way”.

“Yeah, that’s true. I did die and go to hell shortly before High School ended”.

“What?”

“Ah, nothing”.

“You sounded serious. I know my social skills are… a bit subpar, but I can still tell that much. So, what did you mean by that? I know I was abrasive during our encounters during that time. You probably could have pressed charges based on what I did during our first meeting that year. Still, it was hardly like I was the devil”. She glanced at him, nervous at how he might respond, though she tried to hide that with a smile. “Right?”

“No, it happened after you left and ultimately had a happy ending. As for our encounter, I definitely wouldn’t describe it that way anyway. Despite everything, I’m glad to have met you again at that time”.

She let out a sigh of relief, one that surprised her a bit. She was hardly in a good state mentally, even by her standards. Yet the possibility that her mind had brought up still had unnerved her more than she realised until she felt the amount of relief she had from Araragi’s words. They then continued to unpack the bags. He even brought a bottle of alcohol to drink together and another for her to keep. The one he gave her was not cheap by student standards. His response to the annoyed look she gave him was to grin and say “I think you could really use this right now”.

She did, but Oikura wasn’t going to let him have the satisfaction of being right, at least in the way he intended. So she smirked and said “Of course I do. You’re in my flat, Araragi. There’s no better reason for a person to drink than having you around”.

He merely laughed in response and set about pouring them both a glass. They then sat at her table. She handed him the remote to her TV and told him he could turn it on to whatever channel he wanted. There was a good chance she’d regret it, but she was hardly inclined to care. She decided to take a quick glance at the coursework Araragi had brought her. She could at least get an idea of what she had to deal with.

“Oikura?”

She looked up from the papers she had in front of her. “Yes?”

“I don’t know exactly what happened today, but Senjougahara and I are still going to do our best to support you. We’re not going to give up now. That is something neither of us can do”. Araragi stopped and inhaled a deep breath. He then continued, but his voice has an uncertainty in it. Still, his intent was clear. “Senjougahara has told me about your conversation earlier today. It might be hollow to hear these words from me, but neither of us want to rub our happiness in anyone’s faces. Don’t you remember what I said to you? I said I’d be willing to be hated by you forever if it was necessary for you to gain some sort of happiness. I meant that and would still offer that to you. You’re an important friend to me. I’m a bit hurt by the idea that I or Senjougahara are using our personal happiness to hurt you. That is something we’ll never do”.

Oikura still wanted to give a retort and even opened her mouth to try, but she had nothing to say. To try at a retort would be like to deny having eaten a cake while having its icing smeared around your lips. A person could try at a defence, technically, but such a person would know from thinking for a second that their position was untenable. She had her pride, but there was no defending her words. All she could do was, with defeat in her voice, say “That’s right. My words to Senjougahara were unfair to both of you. Sorry”.

“How many times have we been through conversations like this one in one way or another?”

“I have no idea”.

“We’re probably going to have it a lot more times, aren’t we?”

“Almost certainly”.

“Right”. Araragi sighed and rubbed his brow, clearly very frustrated with this situation.

_And with me._

“It’s just as annoying for me to deal with this, Araragi. In fact, I’m stuck with this perpetually. You can potentially escape from my problems. I can’t do the same for obvious reasons. All I can do is try to deal with them in one way or another”. Oikura found herself briefly contemplating some ways to express her feelings to Araragi with her glass. But she settled for a stern look, which was enough to help convey her point.

“That’s true. Sorry”. His apology seemed sincere and Araragi at least tried to not look exasperated as he continued to put forward what he wanted to say. “Your apology is really something Senjougahara needs to hear, not me. As for me, I’ll say this. I think you deserve to find a person who can have a bond with like that of me and Senjougahara. I also think you will find such a person. What we have what not simply a blessing, but something we both worked hard on. There were a lot of challenges along the way and we both needed to grow to be the sort of person the other needed. I definitely had a lot of growth to do”.

He looked wistful for a moment, his mind lost in memories. But he then focused his gaze on her, the look in his eyes filled with confidence. “But I managed it and, if I did that and somehow managed to be the sort of person Senjougahara deserves, I’m definitely sure you’ll manage to figure out a path to a bond just as good as ours and probably faster than I did”.

Oikura did her best to avoid his gaze. “I think you’re overestimating me”

“I don’t think so. You’re an amazing person and I’m saying that someone who is very fortunate in regards to the people I know. I’d be surprised if there wasn’t someone out there for you”.

It was being said by Araragi, hardly a person she trusted in. Still, it was nice to hear words like that, even if she couldn’t really believe in them. It was with some sincerity that she said “I hope you’re right this time, Araragi”.

“This time?”

“You’ve been wrong or mistaken plenty of times”. Oikura grinned. “For example, I believe you were wrong in regards to the answers for a number of math problems the last time we studied together”.

“I was just… slightly off with my calculations, which produced somewhat inaccurate results. It wasn’t really a case of me being wrong”. Araragi was trying to bluff and Oikura immediately called it.

“I recall you begging me for assistance”.

“I wouldn’t say I begged...”.

“I would, because that’s exactly what you did”.

Araragi’s response to that was to pout. “I think I need this drink a lot more now”.

That got her to laugh, Araragi pout shifting to a grudging smile. _I should focus on reading my coursework, but I might as well have some fun._

So, that was what Oikura did, spending the rest of time with Araragi chatting with him and exchanging the odd banter that they had, a sort that would at times make others think they disliked each other if they were to hear this conversation. But it was their way of dealing with each other. It was their way of being friends and this friendship mattered to Oikura very much.


End file.
